I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have aggressive nipples.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
