So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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