Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
