Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
