You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
