I love black thongs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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