I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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