Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
