508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
