Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
