Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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