woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
