Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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