I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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