umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
