i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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