I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
