yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
