he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
