Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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