My sheets look like a crime scene.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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