You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
