You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
