Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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