Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
