i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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