I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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