I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He better not be in your backpack
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
