i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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