I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
