sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
