Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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