I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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