I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
