Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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