i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
