Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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