her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
