I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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