I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
