Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
