My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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