nut hugger
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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