Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
