She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
These tits shall not be calmed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
