You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I AM VODKA MAN
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
