I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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