Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
