Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
