im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need a beard to bite.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
