I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
