I'm lost and stupid without you.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now