babies were throwing up all over the place
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
