My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
