Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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