i think my tv is drunk
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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