Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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