dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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