doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
