I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
