the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want nice things and good sex
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
