she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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