Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
