i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
