I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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